Not to be taken too seriously, this page is for those people, be they husbands, wives, parents, boy friends, girl friends, household pets, and neigbours of members of the pipe band who are not as dedicated to the cause as the members themselves claim to be.
BAND STRUCTURE -- The Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders (But not the Whangarei Pipe Band. Nope, definitely not the Whangarei Pipe Band!!)
Drum Major:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Walks on Water.
Talks to God.
Piper:
Leaps small buildings with a run-up.
Is a crack shot.
Pulls railway carriages.
Fords rivers.
Listens to god.
Side Drummer:
Vaults over fences.
Is allowed his own sidearm.
Can read a railway timetable.
Knows how to put on fishing galoshes.
Believes in God.
Tenor Drummer:
Can open and walk through a door.
Knows which is the dangerous end of a gun.
Has his own train set.
Wears Wellington boots.
Talks to himself.
Bass Drummer:
Trips over matchsticks.
Is NEVER allowed near firearms.
Says "Look at CHOO-CHOO".
Plays in puddles.
Nobody listens to him.
and finally,
THE PIPE MAJOR:
Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them.
Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them.
Kicks locomotives off their tracks.
Drinks entire oceans.
He IS GOD!!!!
The lads are led marching into battle, with a piper proudly playing out the front.............
The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating a bloody slaughter all through the Scottish ranks................
Ten men down, and the piper plays on................
Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out............
Finally fifty men have fallen! The chieftain yells at the piper, "For heaven's sake!! Can you not play something they like?!?"
Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
Q: How can you tell the difference between bagpipe songs?
A: By their names.
Q: How does a drummer's brain cell live?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a piper's arm?
A: A tattoo!
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
There was a boy in kindergarten who played the bagpipes. One day, he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced counting! I got all the way up to 10, but most of the kids messed up around 6 or 7!!!" and his mom said, "Good, that's because you're a bagpiper."
The next day he came home and said, "Mommy, today we practiced the alphabet! I got all the way to the end, but most of the kids got messed up around "s" or "t"!" and his mom said, "Good, that's because you're a bagpiper."
The next day, he came home and said "Mommy, guess what, they measured us today and I'm the tallest person in the whole class!!! Is that because I'm a bagpiper, too?"
And his mom said, "No, dear, that's because you're 25 years old."
A guy finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and out comes a Genie. The Genie gives the man 3 wishes, but adds the caveat that whatever he wishes for goes twice for bagpipers.
"I wish to have 10 million dollars," the man says.
The Genie grants his wish and gives double the amount to all the bagpipers of the world.
"I wish for a loving, sexy, beautiful woman who is eternally devoted to me."
The Genie grants his wish and gives two such women to each and every bagpiper.
After some pause the man begins to smile.
Intrigued, the Genie asks, "What is your final wish, my Master?"
The man replied, "I wish for you to scare me HALF to death."
Q. What is the loudest noise on the beach?
A. A bagpiper and a seagull fighting over a fish.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q: What's the difference between a Bass Drummer and Dr Scholl's footpads?
A. Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.
Q: What do pipers and Mike Tyson have in common?
A. Both are mighty tough on the ears.
Q: How many pipers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five.....one to screw it in, and four to criticize his fingering!
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but he'll spend two hours re-hemping the bulb and checking for leaks.
Q. How many Pipe Majors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one: he holds it in place and the world revolves around him.
A man walks into an antique store, and starts looking around. All of the sudden he spies a huge BRASS RAT in the corner. He falls in love with it, and so he takes it to the cashier.
"The rat, eh?" says the old grizzly cashier.
"um, yeah...how much?" replies our friend.
"Well, five bucks for the rat -- but 200 dollars for the story," he replied.
"I'll just take the rat, without the story." says the customer.
He leaves the store, his precious brass rat tucked under his arm. Soon he begins to notice that a few rats are following him. He walks a few more blocks and the number of rats behind him increased. This continued, until there were virtually millions of rats behind him.
Afraid of this mass following, the man ran to the sea and threw the rat in. All of the rats plunged in after it, and met their watery deaths. The man ran back to the antique store.
The old cashier was chuckling to himself.
"So now do you want the story?"
"No," said the man, "but have you got any brass bagpipers?"
Q: Why does the Highland Bagpipe have so many drones?
A: To help conceal the sound of the chanter.
Q: What is the first sacrifice a person must make to become a piper?
A: His sense of pitch.
Q: What single thing can you do to most greatly improve the quality of your bagpipe music?
A: Play it on a piano.
Q: What do we call that quality which some people possess which allows them enjoy piping performances, which others cannot?
A: Deafness.
Q: What do you throw a drowning bagpipe player?
A: His bagpipes!
Q: What's the best thing to play on a drum?
A: Solitaire.
Q: What's this: X X X ?
A: Three bagpipers co-signing a loan!
Q: How do you keep a bagpiper from drowning in a foot of water?
A: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What is the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching a Bagpiper drive off a cliff on your HARLEY DAVIDSON!
Q: How can you tell a bunch of bagpipers from a bunch of grapes?
A. Jump up and down on them. If you get wine, you've got grapes!
Q: What should you do if you run over a bagpipe?
A. Back up!
Listener: Can you read music?
Bagpiper: Not enough to hurt my playing.
Q. What do the bagpipes and a lawsuit have in common?
A. Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q. What do you call a good musician at a bagpipe contest?
A. A visitor.
Q. What does it mean when a bagpipe player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.
After you've played the bagpipes long enough, people will pay you to play...
However, your neighbors will pay you to stop.
Q. How can you tell if a piper is an extrovert?
A. He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.
Q. What do a bagpipe solo and a sneeze have in common?
A. You know its imminent, but you can't stop it.
Q. What is the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower. Also the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.
Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. What's the definition of "optimism"?
A. A bagpiper with a beeper.
Q. How late does the bagpipe band play?
A. About a half beat behind the drummer.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.
A sweet young thing attended a military pipe band performance and thoroughly enjoyed it.
At the end of the performance the audience were allowed down on the field to mingle with the band and ask questions and so on.
The young lady approached the crusty old pipe major and complemented him and the band on the stirring performance.
Looking slightly embarrassed she asked if she could ask him a question that had always been on her mind regarding highland dress.
"Could you tell me, pipe major, is there anything worn under your kilt?"
"Nae, lassie it's as good as ever it twas!"
Piper: "Did you hear my last performance?"
Neighbour: "I sure hope so."
Q: What is another term for bagpipe?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: How do you get a bagpiper off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: How can you tell if a Bass Drummer is at your door?
A: The knock speeds up.
Q: What's a set of "Paki" pipes good for?
A: Kindling for an accordion fire.
In a recent newsflash it was announced that terrorists have taken 90 pipe bands hostage, and if their demands aren't met they'll release one every hour.
Q: How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
A: You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
Q: How do you improve the aerodynamics of a bagpipers car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
Q: What do you say to a bass drummer in a three piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise."
Q: There are two drummers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.
A guy wanted to play the pipes in a band.
The band told him, "Okay, but you will have to have 1/3 of your brain removed."
So, the guy went into surgery. When he woke up, the doctor said, "I'm terribly sorry, but we made a mistake and accidentally removed 3/4's of your brain!"
The guy said, "Uh, that's okay. Got some sticks?"
One day a man walked into a bar, sat down on a stool, ordered a drink and listened to the conversations going on around him. From a corner he heard two men talking...
"So, what country are ye from?"
"Why, Great Britain, best in the world!"
"Well wouldn't ye know? I come from there too! What part of Britain are ye from?"
"Scotland, me laddie!"
"That's amazing! I come from there too! So what town are ye from?"
"(generic Scottish town) of course!"
"What a coincidence! So do I!"
" What neighborhood are ye from?"
"I live right by the old church."
"Of all the luck! So did I!"
The bartender, seeing the man's puzzled expression, said, "Yep, the Finlayson brothers are drinking again."
A fellow walks into a bar with his alligator and asks the bartender, "Do you serve bagpipe players here?"
"Sure do", replies the bartender.
"Great. Give me a beer, and I'll have a bagpipe player for my gator."
Highland Games Beer Tent Users Manual : Troubleshooting Section
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound.
He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."
Three Myths Dispelled
Myth 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the bagpipes.
Fact: The only talent most pipers have is for avoiding work.
Myth 2: You can make fairly decent money playing the bagpipes.
Fact: People will pay you much better money to stop.
Myth 3: Your bagpipes will make you friends wherever you go.
Fact: This is true if you never go anywhere.
It seems that a pipe band on its way to a competition got lost, and after many fruitless hours of searching down dirt roads in the dark, they came upon a farm house, and decided to ask to spend the night there.
The farmer told them he would be glad if they spent the night, but he said "I only have two spare rooms, some of you will have to stay in the barn. It's clean, dry, and warm, but I keep a cow and a pig in there."
The band, after discussing it among themselves and tossing a coin, decided that the P/M would stay in one room, the drummers would stay in one room, and the pipers would stay in the barn. So they all went to bed.
A short while later, there was a knock on the door. It was the pipers. They said "There's a cow in there. He's mooing, urinating, defecating, passing gas, kicking the stall, and guys, we just can't do it. Besides, we hate cows." So the drummers said that they would stay in the barn, and they all went to bed.
A short while later, there was a knock on the door. It was the drummers. They said "There's a pig in there. He's oinking, urinating, defecating, passing gas, wallowing in the mud, and guys, we just can't do it. Besides, we hate pigs." So the P/M said "You guys aren't men enough to take it. I'll stay in the barn." So they all went to bed.
A short while later, there was a knock on the door. . . It was the cow and the pig.
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the residence hall. After he had been there a semester, his mother came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"I do nothing. I ignore them and remain here in the room playing my pipes."
Murray's (Murphy's) Laws Of Piping
by P.M. Murray Martin, Army, Navy, and Air Force Pipes & Drums, Belleville, Ontario.
1. No matter when you change your reed, it only blows out as you march off.
2. Any reed changed just before a parade will be too hard to blow.
3. When the Pipe Major is watching you, your drones will never start right.
4. Clean white shirts will get dirty in the clothing bag.
5. Careful accounting of your gear the night before means that you will forget something.
6. Months of practice on a six-part tune means you will only remember one part on parade.
7. If you call "By the Right....." - sure as hell someone will start on the right foot.
8. When someone important is watching, the Drum Major will always call the "Halt!" on the wrong foot.
9. Some band members rise to their own level of incompetence - then stay there.
10. When the band sounds good - wait till the next tune.
11. Bandsmen come and bandsmen go - but screw-ups continue.
12. The degree of band screwing-up is in direct proportion to how important the event is.
13. If the band plays an easy tune long enough - they will screw it up.
14. Any chanter reed that will blow, will blow 30 seconds before march-off.
15. Any drum head that breaks, will do so 30 seconds after march-off.
16. All Pipe Majors believe that their bands will get better with practice.
17. All pipers have a scheme to break-in their own reeds, none of which work.
18. You will always remember to take your hose out of the dryer on the way to the parade.
19. There is never time to do it right, but we find time to do it wrong.
20. Every time the Bass Drummer tries a new beat, the pipers just hear a double-beat and quit playing.
21. The bus is never on time, but when it is, it's not your bus.
22. At least once every parade, a drummer will drop or break a stick.
23. When all is going correctly, look out, something is wrong.
24. When more than one piper cannot shut off his drones properly, its the Pipe Major's fault.
25. All important parades must be done during the pipers' holidays.
26. A good band practice does not mean a good parade.
27. A bad band practice does not mean a good parade.
28. Some pipers claim that "Preparation" is a piper's best friend.
29. Pipe reeds only come in one type - too hard for your pipers to play.
30. Side drums only stay in tune until you have to play them.
31. A full turn-out at band practice does not mean a full turn-out on parade.
32. Band members' clocks are always one half hour behind the Pipe Major's.
33. Any person who wants to be a Pipe Major is CRAZY!
Saint Peter is checking ID's at
the Pearly Gates, and first comes a guy from California.
"Tell me, what have you done in life?"' says St. Peter.
The Californian says, "Well, I wrote programs and sold the company I founded, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market on internet stocks, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that California guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look. "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "You must have played the bagpipes for a living!"
Q: What do to call a side drummer who doesn't have a girlfriend?
A: Homeless!
Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer (but the Northumbrian burns hotter)
Q. What do you call drummer with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions? 1. An in-tune bagpipe player 2. An out of tune bagpipe player 3. Santa Claus?
2. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe but doesn't.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A Drummer.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end--
it would be a good idea.
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.
Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
Q: Why did God give bagpipers a "little" more brains than horses?
A: So they don't embarrass themselves in a parade.
Whew!! That's enough for now. If anyone has more jokes they would like adding to this list, please contact us.
